The Famous Grouser - Golf's Finest Old Whinger

Golf has been considered a strange pastime, by players and non-players alike, ever since its birth in Scotland half a millennium ago. Since it became a worldwide obsession in the early years of last century, events that have taken place in the name of golf have moved from the strange to the bizarre.Introducing the voice of the strangest and most bizarre - Norman "The Famous Grouse" Whinge, the hero of the forgotten players of the noble game, those without a voice, those without real hope, those without influence, golf's "no-hopers", life's losers. This week the Grouse presents the apology Tiger really wanted to make.

What Tiger Woods "Really" Wanted to Say at His Press Conference:

Let me just say to all my fans that I feel sorry for everyone who criticized me for my extra-marital affairs. You must live a miserable existence if you have nothing better to do than read about my personal life in the tabloids. But I suppose I should provide an explanation about my behaviour so that you will continue to buy the products I endorse. So here goes.

I am an average looking man of mixed racial descent. Like most men, I had trouble getting pussy before I became a famous multimillionaire. I did okay at Stanford because I was on the golf team, but the women there graded out with a "B" because they were leftovers that players on the football team didn't want. Before that, I got nothing because I have a bland personality and big lips. Then, I win a few golf tournaments and women are lining up at my door. Of course, I took advantage of my opportunities. These were women who wouldn't give me the time of day if I sold insurance or worked on a used car lot. They wanted me so they could brag to their friends about having sex with a celebrity, while holding the belief that one day they would live a life of luxury as the wife of Tiger Woods. When that didn't happen, they seized on an opportunity to sell their story to the tabloids, all the while looking the part of a woman scorned.

Now I want to discuss my wife. When I met Elin, she was just like the others, except she played the "hard-to-get" strategy that women often use to corral men. It worked. She had all the qualities I wanted in a woman: pretty face, nice tits, nice ass, and an inviting personality. We dated for a while, had wild sex, and we genuinely enjoyed other's company. When I asked her to marry me, she accepted. Why wouldn't she? Only an idiot would say no to a lavish lifestyle that most people only dream about. Our marriage was okay. We have two wonderful children and Elin is a good mother. But since she had those kids, she's become a bitch, and doesn't want to have sex very often. And, she won't accompany me on road trips, except to the major championships. Unfortunately, my job requires that I travel to a different city every week where women nod approvingly at me where ever I go. Do you see the problem here? To all the men out there: What would you have done in my shoes? Would you have said no to all the woman who lined up to meet you, especially after listening to your wife bitch at you over the telephone for not spending enough time at home with her and the kids? And to all the women: How many of you would have turned down an opportunity to spend a night with me, knowing that you could sell your story to a tabloid for 500K? I feel bad about the potential damage my actions might cause my kids. As for Elin, I can think of at least 300 million reasons why she will be okay if we divorce and she is forced to survive on her own. And don't forget that vast support network she will have after appearing on Oprah and The View. As for me, I have paid dearly for my transgressions.

I have lost millions and might lose custody of my children. Almost everyone who sees me takes great pleasure seeing me in pain. Now here I stand, while you sit there anxiously waiting to hear my heartfelt apology, when all I really want to tell you is "F*** Off!"

The LPGA Tour's decision to require that its players pass an English-language exam or face suspension has generated much criticism, and rightly so. Despite the Association's economic argument, their policy represents one of the ugliest attitudes found in America today, the fear of "foreign-ness".It constantly amazes me that every time we see yet more proof that America is a racist country people are surprised. Everyone get ready to call a gun totin' Alaskan redneck ex-beauty queen Madam President! The tour held a mandatory meeting for its Korean players on Aug. 20, at which they notified the players that by 2009, all who have been on the tour for two years or more must pass an oral evaluation of the English language. Anyone who fails the exam faces suspension. There are 121 international players from 26 countries on the tour, including 45 from South Korea. To take this stance in sports is particularly sad because athletic performance transcends language. Angel Cabrera did not need to speak at all while charging to a dramatic one-stroke victory over Tiger Woods in the 2007 U.S. Open, and Hideki Matsui has provided a shining example of hustle and selfless play while communicating through an interpreter for more than five seasons. I am reminded of a quote by Puerto Rican golfer, Chi Chi Rodriguez, who once famously said, "After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye." Forget the sychophantic corporate sponsors with their 36 handicaps, those who boast of their contacts at Pro-Ams, those who get a thrill at the sight of a tight Asian backside in the middle of a fluent backswing, those who are more than willing to get girls with real skills to sell their "tat". The real reason for the rule is the little green eye of envy. This speaks more for the sorry state of American Women's Golf compared to their Korean counterparts. If more American women were winning consistently on the LPGA Tour, this would be a non-issue. The real problem is that American women aren't as good as the International players. And instead of language tests, the LPGA should be asking themselves "why aren't American women winning more and what can we do to make them better to compete against the best in the world?" If the PGA had ever introduced this rule over the years we would have been deprived of the joys of watching Sevy Ballasteros, Lee Trevino, Mr. Lu, Chi Chi, and most of the Yanks who, by the way, speak a different "English" to you and I. And not to mention Padraig Harrington today. Come to think of it, was not the noble game invented in Scotland with Dutch roots? Good rule that - every golfer at the OK must be fluent in Gaelic or Dutch!

There was this guy who went to the optician's. "I'm having trouble seeing a long way, Doctor" he announced. The optician led him outside and pointed to the sun, "What's that up there?" he asked the customer. "The Sun of course", was the reply. "Well" replied the optician, "it's 93 million miles away. How far do you want to see?"Then, of course, the R and A in it's wisdom, comes up with the wacky idea of banning equipment which can actually help to gauge distance on the golf course. You know, you've got a bag full of expensive conforming clubs with you but you don't know whether to use your five or six iron in the current conditions. You don't have the luxury of a knowledgeable caddy with yardage charts and the sun is quite low in autumnal Europe making sighting the target a little difficult. You know how far you can usually hit your clubs, but what one will do the trick today. "Ah, what about these new measuring thingees?" In its triennial review of the "Rules of Golf" Rule 14:3 states that "the player must not use any artificial device or unusual equipment, or use any equipment in an unusual manner:a. That might assist him in making a stroke or in his play; orb. For the purpose of gauging or measuring distance or conditions that might affect his play" Tell you what lads, buy one of those newfangled measuring "thingees", go out on to the course and play a private round, measure the distances and gradients from the marker posts and make a note of them. Use your notes when you play a subsequent competition round and tell the bloody committee you have paced out the course many times. Yardage charts are legal after all. If that's not acceptable insert your new viewer into the part of the tournament organiser's anatomy where you can clearly measure the distance from his anus to his eyeballs. Allowing for the wind, of course.

I ask you, who's better at running the world? Clinton or Woosie? And regarding "honesty" Bill's certainly no stranger to tweaking sweet spots and playing with hot balls. Just ask Monica.

The date on my copy "Oyster" watch shows 2008 and now we have to put up with the whisky fumed ramblings of those fuddy-duddies who govern our game, the R and A, "Randa" for short. Those who said in 1933, four years after they were introduced in America, that we could use steel shafted clubs. Those who insist on "proper" clothes being worn, with collars on shirts, and allow Tiger to play in a long sleeved vest. Those who decreed that women could wear trousers on the golf course but insisted that they must remove them on entering the clubhouse. Those who allowed clubs to be used in Europe which had been declared illegal in USA. Those who still ban ladies from the clubhouse and membership at Augusta and St. Andrew's. Those in 1990, who after 38 years, adopted the 1.68 inch diameter ball, and for the first time since 1910 The Rules of Golf were standardized throughout the world. I can hear the sound of forelocks being touched worldwide. Now these guys are the ones who say your club is illegal if it's a copy of one on the "non conforming" list. The "conforming" list, by the way, is one made up of the manufacturers who kowtow to the luddites of golf, those who don't want the game to go into the twenty-first century. You can easily spot them at clubmakers conventions, they're the ones with the brown noses and tongues. They don't want technology to progress as it has in squash, tennis, snooker, athletics and many other popular sports. They think it will give some golfers a significant advantage over their opponents. Gawd above, I still can remember when listing a prominent golf club member as a referee on a job CV certainly gave you a significant advantage over other candidates. Forgive me for thinking that an endorsement from a Randa member still gives you a seat in the boardroom. Take me back to the old days, plus-fours, ladies only on Wednesdays, hickory shafts, the feathery ball, smooth faced irons, and a gallon of claret for the winner. That's where we're heading. But maybe, just maybe, they can let the world move on and let us duffers dream of emulating the golf gods just once before we tread the fairways of the sky, by hitting the 300 yard drive, the approach which stops and turns back sharply, the delicately executed putt and the smile of genuine satisfaction which will follow. Come on Randa, get real!

Welcome to the virtual clubhouse of the Pattaya Golf Society -Pattaya's first formal golf society and the former "Bunker Boys" - based at Rabbi's Elephant Bar, Soi Buakhao, Pattaya,Thailand